Friday, 18 November 2011

CRT means...

When we asked the TwitGP collective what they thought CRT stood for, the answers came just like BSB racer Karl Harris - thick and fast. 


There were the suggestions which poignantly highlighted the inescapable truth, such as: 
Cheap Racing Teams (@jonomarshall & @matt_linley_85), 
Cash Really Tight (@FutureMrsRossi & @markhunter80), 
Can't Reach T'podium (@sofaracer, in tribute to Paul Bird), 
Cheaply Run Tailenders (@richbrammer), 
Couldn't Race Treacle (@inspiredbyJB), 
Contrived Racing Time (@harleyholeshot) 
and perhaps most harshly of all, @izzymotogp's feeling that the teams are so slow they'll have to Conclude Race Tomorrow


Then there were those who took a more technological stance, like @garethgrif with Constant Rule Tweaking, and like @smuttiesmith, who, channeling Pete Clifford, thought CRT must stand for: Customised Road Tat


We were particularly tickled by the entries which realised the only thing the sluggish CRT teams will succeed at next year is in pissing off loveable World Champ Casey Loner. Bask in the magnificent prescience of: 
Casey's Roadblock Torment (@frumtarn77) and 
Casey's Rage Targets (@powderfinger71)
or indeed Casey's Rage Trigger (@MotoGPJules). 


Some of you approached the CRT problem from the rider's perspective, although it has to be said @antony_e's Can't Ride This is more likely to be heard exclaimed than @ducatistamag's Crazy Riding Techniques now Iannone won't be in the category. 


For sheer accuracy we have to applaud: 
Capirossi's Really Tiny (@jackweds), 
Colin's Retirement Team (@delfolds), 
and the skilful use of punctuation which gives us @kiyofan's: Close Racing? Tosh! 


Unfortunately, TwitGP's mother had her suggestion rejected by the FIM. They didn't think C*nts Riding Tediously fairly reflected the spirit of MotoGP's next iteration.


Meanwhile a special commendation goes to @mrstaylor1975 for Caught Rubbing Tits. We've all been there, particularly Olivier Jacques. On CCTV. Basically amazing.


But inevitably, our favourite, for its delicious use of language, was @scrat67's:
Crawling Round Torpidly


Thanks to all those who took part - you all really have improved immeasurably since we first started doing these sort of "audience participation" routines. 


PS - @franckds55 seemed to think that CRT stood for Claiming Rule Teams - which is of course the most ludicrous concept of all.

Friday, 22 July 2011

The Best TwitGP Thing Ever: Back in Training


Right, you know the story by now. Hyperfan @soopersic has been taking pictures at Laguna Seca of both riders and other famous MotoGP people with TwitGP paddock passes. Well brace yourself - because this next batch is REALLY where the magic happens.

The TOP FIVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER HELD A TWITGP PASS are...

The Other Best TwitGP Thing Ever

You've already seen the sterling work of @soopersic here, where she asked various ACTUAL MotoGP riders to produce their TwitGP passes for inspection, kind of like a security check (we assume). Well guess what? It ain't just riders that seem to be card-carrying members of the TwitGP collective. Oh no.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

The Best TwitGP Thing Ever

We'll cut to the chase - @MadMark99, high visibility vest-wearing riding instructor by day, and Photoshop wizard by day also, designed some cracking Access All Areas passes for TwitGP2. Now, thanks to a few intrepid followers, these PRIZED ARTEFACTS are ACTUALLY being ACTUALLY used in ACTUAL Laguna Seca. Behold!

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Can Simoncelli Control Animals?


During FP3 at Mugello this morning, the pun machine went into hyper-drive under our headline: Large Hare Nearly Causes Crash:


Phonetically at least, it wasn't the first time we'd heard that headline. But as @ianwheeler pointed out, was this A SIGN? Was Mother Nature herself dropping us an enormous hint that our beloved Hair was on for the win?

NO. It is simply yet more evidence of Simoncelli's mastery over the beasts. He is this sport's Dr Dolittle, and that's all the excuse we need to roll out these wonderful examples of Marco Simoncelli, Animal Lover:

A loveable furry creature staring at a camera, and a koala.

This next photo is excellent because the koala seems so shocked at a man eating eucalyptus leaves:



This is amazing because the big hairy cow thing also seems completely aghast by what's feeding it:


Here's an albino kangaroo who seems slightly disgusted:


And just when you thought no rider has ever been photographed alongside more animals, here he is again, hypnotising a calf while the calf's handler enjoys it just a bit too much:



If ANY sort of animal appears within the context of MotoGP again, we'll know who's behind it.

Although in fairness, there may be an accomplice:

"Release the beasts, Igor, it is time...!"...'yes, master...'

Monday, 27 June 2011

The Top 5 Homo-Erotic Riders' Covers

Riders is a wantonly stylish Italian bike magazine. Their most recent cover was this natty little number with Spies camping it up...timely for them given it now coincides with his first GP win:



Check out that eyebrow action. And the studs of course.

It isn't the first time the magazine has done something which could be said to appeal to the disco community. Here are their Top 5 covers, which are basically slow winks at the navy.

In at 5, it's Marco Simoncelli:


Cover says: "punk, rasta or nerd?"
Face says: "I want to ride in to you..."


In at 4, it's Kevin Schwantz:



Cover says: "Just one title, what a show"
Face says: "Wanna play footsie?"


In at 3 is Troy Bayliss:



Cover says: "The gladiator who's not afraid of anything, or anyone"
Face says: "Yes I tuck my t-shirt in. But do you fancy re-enacting the Thriller video?"


In at 2, it's 1981 500cc World Champ and former jail-bird (drugs, tsk) Marco Lucchinelli:


Cover says: "A life at the limit"
Face says: "Who's your daddy?"

And at number 1, it's big-nosed actor Adrien Brody:


Cover says: "The youngest Oscar winner in history, and sick of the R1"
Face says: "You can call me King Kong..."


In the interests of balance, we offer this:



http://www.riders-online.it/ - worth seeing what they do next. Red Bull Rookies as The Village People?

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Simoncelli Confesses All

Much as we love clumsy crash-monger Marco Simoncelli, it seems pertinent to remind the world at this point in time about his chilling quote from the trailer for that film about MotoGP called "Fastest" which seems to have been in edit for decades but is coming out in the Summer.

These are direct screen grabs of the trailer and we haven't tinkered with them. 

First of all he says:

Then he says:

Hear that? It's the sound of Marco's lawyers repeatedly jabbing pencils in their eyes.

Friday, 17 June 2011

MotoGP Kettles

In another of those ridiculous TwitGP flights of fancy that just seem to resonate with an enthusiastic followership, today has seen the birth of MotoGP Kettles. It started when we posted a picture of this high quality piece of official merchandise:

As ever, bringing you the hot topics in MotoGP.

We then invited the TwitGP collective to send in pictures of their own MotoGP tea-making facilities, because, after all, it was a Friday afternoon and it beat getting bogged down in a tedious debate about the quality of racing.

First to show was the splendid @izzymotogp with her Morphy-Rossi Rapid Boil:

This actually looks quite good, as far as kettles go.




It seems to use some of the GP11 bodywork with its high downforce winglets, so Ducati have obviously found another outlet for defunct, unproven stock in addition to Karel Abraham's team.

Then @SimonGallagher1 eloquently revealed that his "dad is gonna shit himself when he sees this badboy."

It is, indeed, a badboy.

Well known wit, raconteur and paddock exile @ianwheeler then told us that despite a demographically-aware marketing campaign, he still had some Ant West kettles left over (which always stay upright even on wet surfaces, de dum tish):


Ian used to be a busy man.
Ian followed this up by finding a kettle belonging to Moto2 rider Tom Tutti Frutti Luthi (so called after The Grand #MotoGPsweets Affair, tm). In Ian's eyes, Tom's Swiss origins mean he likes milk. We're not going to argue as it means we all now get to say Tom Tutti Frutti Mootea Luthi:


Now say "Tom Tutti Frutti Mootea Luthi" out loud.
The appropriately-named @mikenco showed off his handiwork with a Lorenzoccino coffee machine, and, reflecting the duality of the rider, told us it "makes both good and bad coffee."


You'd think that would be it. How could there possibly be people left who still wanted to make kettle-based fun out of MotoGP? Step up @sofaracer:


"The Toni Elias" made us laugh like a drain. As did @sofaracer's next MotoGP Kettle, "The Marco Simoncelli":

"fast, but not reliable..."
And STILL, they kept coming. This from @ItsMissMell:


This from @Cormac46, risking the wrath of his mother:


And finally this from @nicklunac, who is ACTUALLY in Texas with this Colin Edwards edition:


Madness, utter madness. But perhaps not quite as mad as the $1298 Ben Spies coffee machine that started this all off.

STOP PRESS:

@sofaracer just realised he ACTUALLY owns this:

words fail us

While @elefantmans points out Clinica Mobile are also in on the act:

Is there a pullover-wearing doctor in the house?

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Paris Hilton Says Some Things

Maverick ViƱales won the 125cc race in Le Mans - despite it being only the fourth grand prix the 16 year old took part in.

The hapless Paris Hilton, bolted on to his team as a kind of long-legged gargoyle and faux-team boss, commemorated the event (a few days later) like this on her website:

sign up/download/perfume/blah/high heels

Yes, that's right, they WON FIRST PLACE. 

Although quite why they chose to use a picture of Maverick's team-mate, Sergio Gadea, is beyond us. Maybe they're simply mindless buffoons.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Mary and Ben Flip the Bird

Well, this is quite something now isn't it, readers:

Ben Spies and his mother (not in that order)
We get it guys, he's number 11. 

Thank God he's not number 10. Who knows what Mary would have put on display. 

Our eternal gratitude to @Rainbow_Starz8 for bringing this image to our attention. On a day when people have been breathlessly reporting that Casey says the 2012 Honda is "pretty good" and Valentino has selflessly pounded round laps of Silverstone simply to promote its new garage extension with no ulterior motive whatsoever, TwitGP once again brings you the MotoGP news that counts.

How long before Nicky and a friend demonstrate his number?

Monday, 2 May 2011

The Best MotoGP Quotes of 2011

Thanks to the fact we have Dictaphones everywhere, we're able to bring you some exquisite audio highlights from recent MotoGP contretemps. They sum up very nicely the especially edgy atmosphere of this season. We look forward to adding to them as the year goes on.

First up is, of course, the phrase that has now come to define a generation, courtesy of happy-go-lucky Casey Stoner, talking to Valentino Rossi in Jerez:

  "Your talent outweighed your ambition..." - Stoner speaks! by TwitGP


Track 2 on this impromptu TwitGP album is from the Estoril press conference, where Jorge Lorenzo criticises Marco Simoncelli's aggressive riding style:

I will be arrested... by TwitGP

File/save as/ringtone.

We particularly like the mature reaction of the journalists. If that clip isn't number 1 in some sort of iTunes chart by the end of the day, then something is seriously wrong, readers.


Next are the highlights from the pre-race press conference at Le Mans, involving Colin Colin first, and Jorge Lorenzo later. It seems both riders and journalists were engaged in some sort of world record attempt to use the word "pussy" as much as possible:

  Pussy by TwitGP

You don't get that in F1, no matter how many DRS wings they build.


And next a little number from the new, improved Dani Pedrosa, now available with added cojones. Listen to him dish it out to Simoncelli at the pre-event press conference at Mugello, even though he was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Awkward. Sic takes a swipe right back, and manages to include Pedrosa's evil overlord Puig in the rebuke too. Classic.

  On his head there is nothing but hair... by TwitGP

Thursday, 21 April 2011

TwitGP2 Prize Winners Announced!

And so it is done - the delectable Suzi Perry, arbiter of style and justice, was entrusted with pulling 13 (lucky for some) prize winners' names out of a helmet, picked from everyone who so kindly donated to our TwitGP2 appeal. Are YOU one of them?

Here's the glitzy, razzmatazz occasion in all its unedited glory:



TwitGP TV might just catch on. Anyway, those winners in full:

The SIGNED @suziperry bike jacket goes to - Martyn and Caz Bryant!

The copy of the British Superbike 2010 Season Review, signed by BSB champion Ryuichi Kiyonari, goes to - Nickyta Homme!

The £50 gift voucher for the motorsport goodies shop AlexReade.org.uk courtesy @guernseylee, goes to - Caroline Stewart!

The racing motorcycle watercolour painting, courtesy of @ChrisElliottQQ, goes to - Helen Bott!

The @PunkStarUK t-shirt goes to - Julie Gibson!

The SIGNED copy of "Queen of Bikers" by Isle of Man TT racer @mariacostello, goes to - Venusa Jasmins!
 
The PERSONALISED piece of Twitegi artwork, by inky-fingered @MadMark99, goes to - Steven Law!

The SIGNED copy of the definitive book on grand prix boffinism, "MotoGP Technology" by Neil Spalding, aka @spalders, goes to - Julie Boynton!

The ACTUAL GRAVEL from the gravel trap at Philip Island, courtesy @nayby69, goes to - Daniela Ivanic!

The Brands Hatch winner's cap, signed by two-time BSB champ and former MotoGP rider Shakey Byrne, aka @67Shakey, goes to - Sally Swift!

The bespoke DJ mix, as created by the luscious @DJMissFrenchie, goes to - Laura Sawyer!

The copy of "Jorge Lorenzo - Portrait of a Champion", a gorgeous (and expensive) photo book, signed by both 2010 MOTOGP WORLD CHAMPION Jorge Lorenzo, and translator-in-chief @MattRobertsBBC, goes to - Vaughan Wright!

The PAIR OF PADDOCK PASSES FOR THE BRITISH SUPERBIKES SEASON, courtesy of the genuinely tremendous @OfficialBSB, goes to - Steve Gill!


If your name is up there and you haven't heard from us yet, don't worry, you will soon. 

The important bit is of course that we raised more than £2,500 for the kids of Japan - a fantastic amount seeing as all we do is a bit of typing, and about five times more than we ever dared hope for. That money has gone DIRECT to the charity and is sure to have a significant effect. You are brilliant followers. Domo arigato.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

COLIN WINS TWITGP2!

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 TwitGP2 winner, Mr Colin "Colin" Colin!

"I came first."


How nice of him to flip us the sign of Twitter. Or is he telling us in which position he finished in? Anyway, here's a shot of him celebrating in a very Colin way, with an enormous bazooka:

"Take that, mothertweeter."


Here he is at his computer terminal, from where he masterminded his win:

The eyes of a sniper.


And here's a shot of him in the final corner, having just been flicked out of the tweet:

"I'll just check my front tyre wear."

And here he is, on his actual Twitbike:



Now that's out the way, the TwitGP2 Aftershow Party can start, thanks to the gorgeous-in-every-way @djmissfrenchie, who has made us a bespoke mix! Woohoo! We have annotated the Soundcloud to help you. Just press play.

  Miss Frenchie - TwitGP2 After Party set by MissFrenchie

Why not have your photo taken with the BEAUTIFUL TwitGP2 trophies while you're dancing? They're over in the corner, by @madmark99:

The Tweet Is On!

Welcome to the Twitegi Main Stage! *cue X Factor drama music and whooshing text*

SIX GRAMMYs....120 MILLION ALBUMS...he founded the Eagles...he has lovely hair...you pronounce his surname "Fry"...singing live from Twitegi island in a stream, it's...

GLENN FREY!



Hope you sang the word "tweet" in your heads at the appropriate time. If that hasn't got you in the mood then nothing will.

Race Day At Twitegi

Hello, world. Welcome to Twitegi on RACE DAY!

click for a beautiful view of the details at the entrance

If you look up to the sky, you'll see crackpot inventor @madmark99 at the controls of our VERY OWN BLIMP:

the text ACTUALLY moves when you click


Over at the entrance to TwitLane, you'll see this year's safety car, shipped over to Twitegi by @brucedrif:



Meanwhile, only moments ago, @spningplates was able to sign a MAJOR energy drink sponsorship deal for us: 

kettle's never cold in this paddock

All morning, former Ducati GP man and multiple World Superbike Champion Troy Bayliss will be taking time off from cycling everywhere to do some demonstration laps. Here's a photo taken by @mikeevstog:

This livery looks immense.

And finally, we know many of you will be on the lookout for celebs - well we're pleased to say @suziperry has just arrived, having RIDDEN all the way to Twitegi:

stop saving it as your desktop picture, pervert

Saturday, 16 April 2011

The Twig Girls

Right then, for those that haven't met our official Twig Girls yet, allow us to introduce:










Holly Jones, @holly_c_jones,  who describes herself as a "model of the future" and was once an ACTUAL grid girl for Hiroshi Aoyama. Amazing.











Then there's Jessica Impiazzi, @jess_impiazzi, who as you can see likes to put her eye make-up on before her trousers. She's taking time off from appearing on the front cover of Zoo in Australia and being an actress to be a TwitGP Twig Girl.














Finally, there's Emma K, @EmmaK46, who is also a pro grid girl in real life and can be found in both BSB and WSB paddocks. She is car and bike mad, and told us she likes pink


Meanwhile, in the interests of balance, here's a picture of Brad Twitt seen visiting the Twitegi garages just now:



And, by popular demand by @abbeybxx, here's Jorge looking handsome:

Everyone's a winner.